Monday, March 26, 2012
When Faced With Wonder
I know, I know, you're used to it right.
That really is no excuse.
No, stop trying to make me feel better, I never should have done that.
I looked at you, I smiled, then I saw you and I couldn't help but react.
If you could have seen the raging disappointment inside of me.
The disappointment in myself for reacting and not maintaining my genuine feeling that all of you deserved that smile.
Not just the half of your face I saw first.
Your whole face deserved it.
But it happened so quickly, I reacted.
Although I knew I felt a change in my grin, I thought maybe I hadn't let on.
But I know that you know.
I saw your once genuine smile fall too.
You thought, "she sees me," to only be let down and know,
"she sees me."
I have a smile that can be contagious sometimes. I try to share it as often as I can. I smile. I look people in the eye and share my joy. Today, I had an encounter at the checkout. One aisle over, a twenty something boy with his dad. Not sure why I noticed them. There was a lot on my mind and I wasn't really scanning or people watching, but I noticed them. The boy, in the corner of his eye, looked at me. I looked, smiled, a full smile. He turned and it happened. The other side of his face was much different. I reacted to this difference, only slightly, but enough. His smile fell, and his eyes went to the floor. I bit my lip in frustration over my reaction. Why did I do it? I realize I am human, make mistakes, but both sides of his face belong to him and I was smiling at him, and one side doesn't deserve better because it is more accepted. And I couldn't have a do over, I couldn't. And still I wonder.