I didn't know last night when I wrote SOLSC post #17 that there would be a part two today.
I went back downstairs to my back corner room full of boxes and all things school, memory and mess. I had been down there so many times in the day, thinking, "I'll find it. It has to be here...I never would have thrown it away." Each time I went down my hope grew weaker, dissipating to almost nothing. I was beginning to feel a despair that could only be repaired if I found at least a part of what I was looking for. I started looking in places less obvious, calling out in a tone only I could hear "come on Betsy, where is the least likely place, it will be there." These little fragments of hope were continually destroyed when I was again left empty handed. I was now on the opposite side of my basement, ready to retreat, surrender. I whisper, "I could really use your help on this one; where is it?" I again walk into my back room, standing there, defeated. One hand on my head, the other on my hip knowing deep down that I must have thrown it out and it is time to accept it. Knowing I have searched every possible and impossible place; my husband's work table piled high, underneath each shelf, the closet under the stairs, everywhere. I'm sure even the box at my feet that holds all my Nancy Drew books; it's been in my way in that back room all day. There, a small stack of papers tucked in the lidless box. My hand lifts them out, and there it is. In my hand, the little girl, the big tear, the pouty lip. Behind it, on blue paper, my story. The one I once needed to write and the one I now needed to read. I can't even describe the coolness that overcame my body. The electro like charge that ran up my neck and down my spine. The almost unnatural and uncontrollable pull that stretched my face in elation. All by itself, in a box of books that had once been my grandmother's, my mother's, sister's and then mine...possibly the most likely place.
I can imagine the relief that flooded your body, especially your heart, when you found the missing story. Your descriptions were so clear. You have so many sentences that I loved I can't list them all, one of my favorites, "These little fragments of hope were continually destroyed when I was again left empty handed." So glad you found what you thought was lost forever.
ReplyDeleteAnd you put it there with her books because that was the best, most natural place, but you forgot that part. I'm so happy for you that you found it. You wrote this with such heartfelt remorse I was certainly rooting for you, and it's marvelous that you now have it. I wonder after reading if you will reflect upon it, and share with us? At any rate, I hope you are content to read your words. Thanks for both slices!
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if there will be a part 3 tomorrow? I could so clearly see you in your basement with boxes, treasures, memories around you. I'm so happy for you that you found it. I hope it brought you a sense of peace...it seems you needed it. I related well to the part about looking in the least likely of places - that's the way I usually think too! I loved the last part "possibly the most likely place" - awesome.
ReplyDeleteSo lovely! I am so glad that you found this. I really like how you describe how you feel throughout the search, and the relief of the find. How does the essay affect you now? Is it less sad, with the distance of time? Thank you so much for sharing this.
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