I'm sorry.
I know, I know, you're used to it right.
That really is no excuse.
No, stop trying to make me feel better, I never should have done that.
I looked at you, I smiled, then I saw you and I couldn't help but react.
If you could have seen the raging disappointment inside of me.
The disappointment in myself for reacting and not maintaining my genuine feeling that all of you deserved that smile.
Not just the half of your face I saw first.
Your whole face deserved it.
But it happened so quickly, I reacted.
Although I knew I felt a change in my grin, I thought maybe I hadn't let on.
But I know that you know.
I saw your once genuine smile fall too.
You thought, "she sees me," to only be let down and know,
"she sees me."
I have a smile that can be contagious sometimes. I try to share it as often as I can. I smile. I look people in the eye and share my joy. Today, I had an encounter at the checkout. One aisle over, a twenty something boy with his dad. Not sure why I noticed them. There was a lot on my mind and I wasn't really scanning or people watching, but I noticed them. The boy, in the corner of his eye, looked at me. I looked, smiled, a full smile. He turned and it happened. The other side of his face was much different. I reacted to this difference, only slightly, but enough. His smile fell, and his eyes went to the floor. I bit my lip in frustration over my reaction. Why did I do it? I realize I am human, make mistakes, but both sides of his face belong to him and I was smiling at him, and one side doesn't deserve better because it is more accepted. And I couldn't have a do over, I couldn't. And still I wonder.
I can feel the pain you feel as you write this. Keep smiling. Still wanting a do over shows what kind of a person you are.
ReplyDeleteI think being the kind of person who recognizes that there are times we let ourselves down means that you are also the kind of person who tries to live with integrity and openness.
ReplyDeleteI think your post speaks to the true power that books can have over us. What a powerful experience you had today, that was probably very different than it would've been had you not read Wonder. Auggie will forever be in my heart. :)
ReplyDeleteI just finished Wonder yesterday. What a powerful and beautiful story. We are all works in progress...and I believe that your reaction was a natural one to the unexpected. I think all of us would have had that reaction ...what matters is that we notice...
ReplyDeleteI was hooked from the start by this story. The expression of wearing your heart on your sleeve is evident in this story. The fact that you are both reflective, honest and thoughtful enough to still be thinking about this encounter is an indicator of your character. The fact that you put it out there for the world to see is an indicator of your heart. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAnd you will remember this when another occasion occurs like this, you will react to your best abilities.
ReplyDeleteYour poem of apology is so heart-felt, I wish the boy could read it.
Each time, we learn. Hopefully, someday, we will not react. I say we because you are SO right! We are ALL human. We ALL make mistakes. Hopefully, we can ALL grow out of this place. Sorry you had a rough experience today!
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