Today I am writing part three.
It is March 17th. It has been twenty-five years. Twenty-five. I can't believe it. Twenty-five years ago today I was twelve and scared. I was bottled up. I was letting go of the thought of feelings, but not letting them go. I was holding them, letting them settle in my heart. They have become permanent fixtures, attaching themselves to ventricles and arteries. Sitting in a little hole of sadness. One of many little holes I will accumulate as I grow-up.
Twenty-five years ago today my grandmother passed away. It was peaceful. There were a lot of family members gathered together. We waited as we listened to her breathe, knowing it wouldn't be long. My mom would wet a wash cloth and wipe my grandmother's lips to moisten them, they had become dry and she seemed to know this might offer her some comfort. I imagined her thanking my mom, but there was no voice left. Just breath. I often wonder if she was able to still have thoughts, hear us, think about the fact that she was in her last moments. I wonder what that must be like.
I wasn't in the room when she took that final breath. I think she planned it that way. Waited for me to go to the gift shop with my sister. Waited for my innocent young self to leave so I wouldn't have to witness her leaving. Waited until I was holding something I would attach to her memory. A pink lily hair clip that was laying on a velvet covered table. It was in my hand when my mom came to tell us. I've never worn it, so instead of hair it holds memories.
That memory traveled with me for a long time. I even wrote a paper about that day, tied to another significant day in my life and how memories can flood our senses so wildly, it almost feels like we are back in that moment. I am leaving photos of that paper below. If you read the links above to my other slices you will understand the significance of including it here. No pressure to read it, just here if you'd like. And a picture of the pink hair clip. :)
Below is a snapshot of the front page of the article I reference in the other slices,
in case you were curious.